How To Find Out If You've Been Probed

Aliens use various techniques in order to conduct experiments on humans, most commonly anal probing. You may remember a dream of walking out into an open field towards a mysterious light in the sky, and then nothing after that. You may have just woken up from said dream, feeling weird and wondering what happened. We've asked several experts who have all agreed on these three steps to find out if you've been probed.

1. Find Open Field

The first step to finding out if you've been probed is to find the closest open field. If you have been probed, there's a 100% chance that you were sleepwalking through the nearest open field. If you can't think of where the field is off the top of your head, a quick search of Google Maps should give you the answers you need. Head off on foot, or park your car on a nearby street. Whatever you do, don't drive onto the field, unless you don't want your car anymore.

2. Shout At Sky

There's no way around this one. You need to stand directly in the center of the field and shout at the sky. Try to shout in a way that produces the most echo as possible, as the aliens can pick up on your sound waves. Keep shouting for ten minutes straight, or until your voice begins to crack, and then sit down and await their arrival. If done correctly, you should see a light in the sky approaching.

3. Meet Aliens

The aliens will hone directly to your position, getting closer and closer until they are hovering ten feet above your head. Now, this doesn't mean that they are going to take you with them. If they don't turn on the levitation beam, it means that you've already been probed and they have already collected your data. If they do, you're in luck. They'll scoop you up and you'll get to have the wonderful experience of an alien anal probing.

It truly is a blessing to be fully conscious during a probing. Most of the time, people get probed by accident, while asleep. For a rarity like witnessing a probing, you need to make a plan and set out on your way.

Learn More: How To Get Rid Of Chickens

How To Beg For Money And Get Rich

Begging for money is an art that has only been perfected by a select few. These extremely successful beggars may appear to be homeless, but in reality they are just out there grinding just like everybody else. With the right strategy, you too can make upwards of $50 or more per day simply asking pedestrians for money.

1. Pick A City

Plain and simple, you can't become a successful beggar in a rural area. There simply aren't enough people in farm country to make a living begging for money, and don't waste your time with the cows, they've got nothing. Uproot your family and make your way down to a big city like Newark or Columbus. Don't bother with New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago, as the beggar population is far too competitive there, and you won't be able to gain traction.

2. Scout Locations

Once you arrive in your chosen city, you'll need to walk around for a while and get a feel for the place. If you have the money, by all means get an apartment, but if you don't there are always shops throwing out boxes, so you can build your family a nice four bedroom home in an alley. Look for the areas that are heavily populated with tourists, and pick a few spots to post up. Be sure not to intrude on any other beggar's territory, as you don't want to run into problems.

3. Perfect Your Approach

It's going to take a bit of practice before you're really rolling in the dough. Spend some time trying different ways to ask people for money, and spend even more time learning how to judge people. Some professional beggars report record highs of up to $200 on a busy Saturday, and all of them know how to pick their targets. If you acquire a good eye for the tourist with good intentions, then you can easily pull in enough money to feed your family and much, much more.

Now you're ready to start filling your pockets with the money of hardworking tourists. Keep on the move, and keep working on your strategy, and before long you'll have plenty of cash. The best part about it is you never have to get a real job. You get to experience humanity firsthand, in all it's horrid beauty.

How To Access The Secret Menu At Chinese Restaurants

There have been rumors circulating that Chinese restaurants serve dog meat. While these rumors are completely true, the dog meat is not widely available to the public. Chinese food dog meat is the cream of the crop, with a delicious flavor and a wide array of nutritional benefits. It takes a bit of negotiation, but with the right strategy you too can have access to the finest canine delicacies on the market.

1. Establish Trust

No sensible Chinese restaurant owner is going to sell dog meat to the average customer. That's why in order to access the secret menu, you're going to have to slog through tons of regular Chinese food. We recommend stopping in to your restaurant of choice three or four times a week and ordering the exact same meal. While you're there, take some time to chat with the owners so that they'll remember you next time. Whatever you do, don't mention dog meat. It will sabotage your whole plan.

2. Obtain Permission

After a few weeks of returning to the Chinese restaurant, the people there will start to let down their guard. It should be noted that whenever you see an employee eating lunch, it is almost always from the secret canine menu. You'll notice that when you ask the employee what he or she is having, they will hesitate before telling you what it is, and then insist that it's not on the menu. Tell them that you think it looks great and you would love to try it. Eventually they will tell you that you can try it, but you'll need to place a special order.

3. Place Order

Once you get the workers to let you in on their secret, you'll need to figure out how to order it. If you order the secret menu item at the register, they will tell you that it doesn't exist. What you need to do is write down the order on a piece of paper and slip it to the chef when nobody else is looking. Then you need to go around to the back door and wait. When it's ready, the chef will leave it in a bag on the back doorstep, and you slip your cash under the door.

In the bag will be your dog meat, cooked in teriyaki sauce and served over fried rice. Out of consideration for the restaurant, you shouldn't tell anyone that you know about this. Keep the secret close to your heart, as you are now a member of an elite society of Chinese food eaters. As a courtesy, whenever you find a stray dog you should bring it to the restaurant. In return they will shower you generously with free meals.

How To Get Rid Of Chickens

Chickens are a pesky burden - there's no doubt about it. They carry diseases (such as chickenpox) and lay their eggs all over the house. They reproduce incredibly fast, sprouting little chicks by the day, so it's quite difficult to get rid of them. We've asked several experts, and they all agreed upon the following method to solve your poultry problem:

1. Gather Chickens

The first and most difficult step in this process is getting all the chickens together. A large fishing net should do the trick. Professionals say that the best way to gather your chickens is to chase them around, flap your arms, and shout loud noises. Choose a room that you don't care about so much and shut them all in there, then go in and capture them with the fishing net. Be careful not to choke any of the chickens while you tie them up, as they are incredibly defensive animals and will not hesitate to attack if one of their comrades has been choked.

2. Get Truck

Now that you've gathered all your chickens, you will need a way to transport them. Since most chicken infestations are very large (20-30 chickens), you will need to rent a truck if you don't already have one. Simply take your fishing net full of chickens and toss it in the back of a truck. The chickens will loudly object, but you must not cave. Lock the door and get in the drivers seat. Those chickens aren't going anywhere, and the more time you waste, the more feathers and broken eggs you will have to clean up later.

3. Find Beach

The most humane way to get rid of chickens is to toss them in the ocean. Not only are they avid swimmers, they love the ocean and can find many sources of food on their way to the master flock. Somewhere out there exists a floating mass of hundreds of thousands of chickens. They move together to avoid predators, and they are known to cannibalize the weak. Letting your chickens roam free in the ocean ensures that you won't ever have to deal with them again.

Now that you've gotten rid of your chickens, you should treat yourself to a nice meal. You've earned it. We recommend a stop at KFC to top of a day of dealing with a severe chicken infestation. Studies show that this can lend itself to a feeling of great superiority, but don't take our word for it.

How To Read Without Becoming Stupid

Everybody knows that reading books can severely detract from your overall level of intelligence, but for some reason people still read them. Before we launch our crusade against books (they should all be burned), we want to make sure that people know the safe way to read a book. For best results, we recommend you avoid books completely, but for those who must learn to read, these steps will ensure that you are relatively safe while reading.

1. Wear Sunglasses

Scientific studies show that books emit extremely high levels of radiation. To avoid brain damage through the eyes, wear sunglasses with full UV protection, preferably polarized. Failure to wear sunglasses while reading is likely to result in the slow and gradual rotting of the brain from the inside out, leaving you unable to process thoughts and drooling out of the corners of the mouth. Learning to read is bad enough, but without sunglasses, it's deadly.

2. Skip Big Words

If there's anything to be said about big words, it's that you don't need 'em. They clog up your mental passages, and you don't need to waste any time looking up definitions in a big clunky dictionary. If you had any sense, you would have burned your dictionary years ago. Small, one syllable words are ideal, but if you absolutely must, don't read any word longer than three syllables. Big words are the literary equivalent of dead weight.

3. Distract Yourself

The best way to avoid stupidity while reading is to find any number of ways to distract yourself. Great distraction methods include loud music, television, or conversation. Reading should not take priority over the other people in your life. Remember, even a person that you hate is better than what those crazy book lovers call "a good book". If you do it right, you will skim over the pages of the book without actually processing any of the sentences. This gives you the best chance of maintaining your intelligence while reading.

Learning to read is inherently bad, and you should never do it, but we understand that there are situations when it is unavoidable. That's why you must take every precaution to protect yourself from potential brain damage. And remember, you should NEVER teach a kid how to read. Books are a surefire way to get your mental faculties started on a downward spiral into the pits of stupidity.

How To Drink Water Safely

Drinking water is very important for survival, but unless you take the proper precautions, you could be signing an early death sentence. Modern water supplies are notorious for severe contamination, especially in big American cities. Many scientific studies have recently shown spikes in levels of pollutants and deadly bacteria in tap water. Luckily for you, we've outlined the most important steps to take when drinking water to avoid illness and death.

1. Boil Water

If you don't boil your water before drinking it, you are doing something seriously wrong. Cold, unboiled water, straight from the tap has been shown to cause many different forms of sickness including, but not limited to: cancer, herpes, AIDs, and migraines. Avoid the hassle by simply pouring your tap water into a pot and putting it on a high heat burner. After about ten minutes or so, your water should be bubbling, steaming, and hot to the touch. You've now eliminated 90% of the bacteria.

2. Add Salt

Since boiling water tends to remove all of its hydration capabilities, if you want to quench your thirst you must add salt to your boiled water. Not only does this drastically improve the taste, it also does wonders for your body. One study shows that people who drink boiling water without first adding salt are 90% more likely to have an aneurysm. Seizures are also commonplace when drinking boiled fresh water. If you want to feel the sweet nectar of life, you must add at least one TBSP of salt to every 8oz of water. You'll be glad you did.

3. Butt Chug

The old-fashioned way of drinking water from a glass is outdated and frankly quite harmful. Shards of glass have been known to cause lacerations in the throat, which can lead to internal bleeding and eventually death. The newest reports recommend drinking water through a funnel, inserted directly into the anus. You may need help from another person at first, but eventually you will get it down to a system. Simply get down on all fours, buttocks in the air, and pour the water into the funnel. You will notice a clean and healthy feeling immediately afterwards, and you will be able to expel excrement much more efficiently.

Now that you know how to drink water safely, you can finally live the life that you've always wanted to. Fear no more the agony of dying alone, as butt-chugging boiled salt water is guaranteed to make you more desirable to potential mates of either sex. Enjoy years of prosperity and days of happiness with these three seemingly obvious changes to how you drink water.

How To Become A Professional Troll

It doesn't take a genius to tell you that internet trolling is the future. Whether you're rich or poor, trolling the internet is a great way to make a few extra bucks on the side. For those looking to start a career with minimal effort and maximum fun, look no further - professional trolling is for you. Luckily, for the unenlightened masses, I have included step-by-step instructions on how to make a living being a troll.

1. Get Computer

There's no avoiding this one. You can't be an internet troll without a computer. So before you do anything, get off your ass and head on down to the computer store and buy yourself one of those fine pieces of technology. Their costs vary based on internal components, but you should be fine with the cheapest available option, so long as it can run Windows 97 - the top tier in modern operating systems. Fire that baby up and give it about thirty minutes or so to get warmed up, and in the meantime make yourself a stiff drink - this could get ugly.

2. Register For Internet Account

Inside your computer box, there should be an application for your internet account. If it's not there, contact the internet support hotline at 1-800-INT-RNET. The call center is located in a small village in India, and full support is available in multiple languages. Fill out the necessary information, which includes your address, date of birth, and Social Security number or equivalent. Fold the paper hot dog style and slide it gently into an envelope, careful not to crease the edges. Send it to the internet headquarters, and within 2-3 weeks you should be internet ready.

3. Reap Benefits

If you've made it this far, you're doing great. You might be thinking, where's the money in this? Well, you see, you need to read between the lines. The point is far too complicated to be explained by words, you must use your inner brain to deeply process it. Press the refresh button on your internet browser, and if that doesn't work, try pressing Control + Alt + Delete simultaneously on your keyboard device. By now you should know the secrets to making money trolling.

Keep in mind, the internet is a scary place. We recommend you wear full UV protection while using these devices. They have been known to cause blindness and loss of memory or consciousness. You have been warned. Stay caffeinated!