How To Read Without Becoming Stupid

Everybody knows that reading books can severely detract from your overall level of intelligence, but for some reason people still read them. Before we launch our crusade against books (they should all be burned), we want to make sure that people know the safe way to read a book. For best results, we recommend you avoid books completely, but for those who must learn to read, these steps will ensure that you are relatively safe while reading.

1. Wear Sunglasses

Scientific studies show that books emit extremely high levels of radiation. To avoid brain damage through the eyes, wear sunglasses with full UV protection, preferably polarized. Failure to wear sunglasses while reading is likely to result in the slow and gradual rotting of the brain from the inside out, leaving you unable to process thoughts and drooling out of the corners of the mouth. Learning to read is bad enough, but without sunglasses, it's deadly.

2. Skip Big Words

If there's anything to be said about big words, it's that you don't need 'em. They clog up your mental passages, and you don't need to waste any time looking up definitions in a big clunky dictionary. If you had any sense, you would have burned your dictionary years ago. Small, one syllable words are ideal, but if you absolutely must, don't read any word longer than three syllables. Big words are the literary equivalent of dead weight.

3. Distract Yourself

The best way to avoid stupidity while reading is to find any number of ways to distract yourself. Great distraction methods include loud music, television, or conversation. Reading should not take priority over the other people in your life. Remember, even a person that you hate is better than what those crazy book lovers call "a good book". If you do it right, you will skim over the pages of the book without actually processing any of the sentences. This gives you the best chance of maintaining your intelligence while reading.

Learning to read is inherently bad, and you should never do it, but we understand that there are situations when it is unavoidable. That's why you must take every precaution to protect yourself from potential brain damage. And remember, you should NEVER teach a kid how to read. Books are a surefire way to get your mental faculties started on a downward spiral into the pits of stupidity.