How To Get Rid Of Chickens

Chickens are a pesky burden - there's no doubt about it. They carry diseases (such as chickenpox) and lay their eggs all over the house. They reproduce incredibly fast, sprouting little chicks by the day, so it's quite difficult to get rid of them. We've asked several experts, and they all agreed upon the following method to solve your poultry problem:

1. Gather Chickens

The first and most difficult step in this process is getting all the chickens together. A large fishing net should do the trick. Professionals say that the best way to gather your chickens is to chase them around, flap your arms, and shout loud noises. Choose a room that you don't care about so much and shut them all in there, then go in and capture them with the fishing net. Be careful not to choke any of the chickens while you tie them up, as they are incredibly defensive animals and will not hesitate to attack if one of their comrades has been choked.

2. Get Truck

Now that you've gathered all your chickens, you will need a way to transport them. Since most chicken infestations are very large (20-30 chickens), you will need to rent a truck if you don't already have one. Simply take your fishing net full of chickens and toss it in the back of a truck. The chickens will loudly object, but you must not cave. Lock the door and get in the drivers seat. Those chickens aren't going anywhere, and the more time you waste, the more feathers and broken eggs you will have to clean up later.

3. Find Beach

The most humane way to get rid of chickens is to toss them in the ocean. Not only are they avid swimmers, they love the ocean and can find many sources of food on their way to the master flock. Somewhere out there exists a floating mass of hundreds of thousands of chickens. They move together to avoid predators, and they are known to cannibalize the weak. Letting your chickens roam free in the ocean ensures that you won't ever have to deal with them again.

Now that you've gotten rid of your chickens, you should treat yourself to a nice meal. You've earned it. We recommend a stop at KFC to top of a day of dealing with a severe chicken infestation. Studies show that this can lend itself to a feeling of great superiority, but don't take our word for it.