How To Drink Water Safely

Drinking water is very important for survival, but unless you take the proper precautions, you could be signing an early death sentence. Modern water supplies are notorious for severe contamination, especially in big American cities. Many scientific studies have recently shown spikes in levels of pollutants and deadly bacteria in tap water. Luckily for you, we've outlined the most important steps to take when drinking water to avoid illness and death.

1. Boil Water

If you don't boil your water before drinking it, you are doing something seriously wrong. Cold, unboiled water, straight from the tap has been shown to cause many different forms of sickness including, but not limited to: cancer, herpes, AIDs, and migraines. Avoid the hassle by simply pouring your tap water into a pot and putting it on a high heat burner. After about ten minutes or so, your water should be bubbling, steaming, and hot to the touch. You've now eliminated 90% of the bacteria.

2. Add Salt

Since boiling water tends to remove all of its hydration capabilities, if you want to quench your thirst you must add salt to your boiled water. Not only does this drastically improve the taste, it also does wonders for your body. One study shows that people who drink boiling water without first adding salt are 90% more likely to have an aneurysm. Seizures are also commonplace when drinking boiled fresh water. If you want to feel the sweet nectar of life, you must add at least one TBSP of salt to every 8oz of water. You'll be glad you did.

3. Butt Chug

The old-fashioned way of drinking water from a glass is outdated and frankly quite harmful. Shards of glass have been known to cause lacerations in the throat, which can lead to internal bleeding and eventually death. The newest reports recommend drinking water through a funnel, inserted directly into the anus. You may need help from another person at first, but eventually you will get it down to a system. Simply get down on all fours, buttocks in the air, and pour the water into the funnel. You will notice a clean and healthy feeling immediately afterwards, and you will be able to expel excrement much more efficiently.

Now that you know how to drink water safely, you can finally live the life that you've always wanted to. Fear no more the agony of dying alone, as butt-chugging boiled salt water is guaranteed to make you more desirable to potential mates of either sex. Enjoy years of prosperity and days of happiness with these three seemingly obvious changes to how you drink water.